how appropriate that my most recent tattoo (no i will not lift my shirt up) is a maze! or labyrinth, i am still not sure of the semantic differences between those two.
when i first chose the tattoo design i was thinking of the intricacies of the mind in general and of mine, in particular. i am now a ripe 28 but have yet to discover and fully understand how my mind works. and my heart, for that matter. metaphorically speaking, of course. in the light of recent, tumultuous, self-discoveries i find myself lost in different sort of maze. i am NOT a rat sniffing out a piece of cheese. i am lost, but i have my bearings. for the first time, they’re close to the heart. MY heart.
i know and understand how my mind works to the same extent i know the ins and outs of neurosurgery. or quantum physics. but perhaps it is not understanding i need. i may want it being such a brainiac, but i may not need it. i have come to believe that what i need is, in fact, acceptance. from myself. understanding how my mind and my Ego and my Self work is all fine and dandy, but a major first step would be acceptance. for far too long i have judged myself in terms of “wrong” and “right”, “good” and “bad”, “should always” and “should never”. bullshit!
i am not making excuses for my choices. some of them were poor and that’s a fact. but the fact that they were poor is neither good, nor bad. it just is. after all, those choices, however inspired or poor, made me who i am today. and, maybe for the first time in my life, i am done with the “i don’t like myself so much” crap. 20 years or so of beating myself over the head with the “it’s not good enough” stick (thanks dad!) are enough. Enough!
i am me. and that will do. oh and yeah, i was born to live. the Constantines rule and Lizaveta is the song of the year, as far as i am concerned.
fuck, i need a smoke!